From 562aa21e574b54174365350dcda5d42521f385e1 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Graham Hall Date: Sat, 2 May 2026 21:53:46 -0400 Subject: [PATCH] new post --- src/content/blog/2026/my-ocd-experience.md | 25 ++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 25 insertions(+) create mode 100644 src/content/blog/2026/my-ocd-experience.md diff --git a/src/content/blog/2026/my-ocd-experience.md b/src/content/blog/2026/my-ocd-experience.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..effe7a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/src/content/blog/2026/my-ocd-experience.md @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ +--- +title: 'My OCD Experience' +pubDate: '5/2/2026' +tags: ['Life', 'Mental Health'] +--- + +If you go to my [profile on Mastodon](https://mastodon.social/@ghalldev), you'll see one of my hashtags: #ActuallyOCD, but I don't think that's something I've ever really elaborated on. I also feel like it's generally pretty misunderstood by a lot of people. I myself had a pretty surface-level and, perhaps, stereotypical view of OCD, to the point where I didn't really consider it a possibility for myself, and it made me scared to even bring it up with therapists for reasons I'll get into. + +So, my perception of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, combined with the fact that I've made a lot of progress over the last decade, means it's not something I think many people would notice about me, outside of maybe thinking I'm a bit odd. Though I'm pretty sure that would be the case regardless of having OCD. + +The primary aspect of my OCD experience was always intrusive thoughts, which are always a tough one to explain to people who have never experienced them. It's not as straightforward as needing to check the oven five times to make sure it's really off—most people, at some point, have worried about whether they turned the oven off, so that example is more relatable to the average person. + +Intrusive thoughts, like the ones I experience, are recurring thoughts that enter my head and are upsetting, sometimes scary, and seemingly impossible to brush aside. Imagine a voice in your head telling you something bad will happen, or you might do something bad, if you don't do something specific or don't get out of the situation. It's an unsettling feeling, especially if you don't know it's OCD and you think that you're maybe, for lack of a better word, crazy. + +One example that comes to mind—and was perhaps one of the most upsetting moments I've experienced with intrusive thoughts—was on a walk with my last girlfriend. We were walking down the sidewalk near some water, and I forget the exact circumstance, but she asked me to hold her keys for a moment—so I did. Moments later, the thought entered my mind that I was just going to throw her keys into the water. I wouldn't ever do that, of course, but the thought had entered my mind, and I was legitimately scared that I was going to lose control and just toss the keys. I gave them back to her because the thought was so overwhelmingly strong, and told her what happened. She didn't really understand, and at that point in my life, neither did I. + +I also didn't own any sharp cooking knives for a lot of my adult life because whenever I held a knife, I would inevitably become overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts about slipping up and accidentally cutting myself or someone else, complete with full gory details. This was the thing I finally told my therapist about, and what led to actually getting my OCD diagnosis. + +Between adjustments to my meds and exposure therapy—part of which involved cutting vegetables with a giant kitchen knife—I now manage my OCD a lot better. It still has an effect on my day-to-day life, but it's not quite so disruptive as often. + +Most of the challenges I still face are things like needing to touch solid objects I walk by to silence the thoughts of impending doom and choosing my walking path to optimize the touching of those objects. + +Occasionally, I do deal with some more upsetting intrusive thoughts. A recent one that comes to mind was when I had this thought about flipping the board when playing a game with some people. Not out of anger or frustration—it just entered my head as something I might just lose control of myself and do. But, unlike in the past, in these situations, I am able to acknowledge that the thought is just a thought and then refocus on something else. It's still intensely uncomfortable, but it becomes a little blip instead of a total disruption. + +This is, of course, just my experience with OCD, and, like anything we humans struggle with, there is no such thing as a typical experience. Figuring out I have OCD was actually quite liberating because, due to my own preconceived notions of OCD, it never occurred to me that I wasn't totally bonkers for having to close the window while riding in a car because I was having intrusive thoughts about chucking my phone into the street.